ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE
(Starring Amber Heard, Anson Mount, Whitney Able, Melissa Price. Written by Jacob Forman. Directed by Jonathan Levine)
Before Amber Heard married and divorced Johnny Depp, before Machete Kills, Drive Angry, The Rum Diary or mega blockbuster Aquaman… there was ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE, which supposedly was the breakout role for the now big movie star.
First off I have to say I really had a hard time watching this. Ten minutes into the movie I wanted to shut it off… I wish I had gone with my initial instinct because this piece of crap never got any better.
Our movie starts off with the hot blonde Mandy Lane (Amber Heard) walking through the halls of high school with everyone giving her they eye. Once outside some dumb jock (forgot his name, he won’t be around long so who cares) asks her to his pool party, she agrees to go but insists that her friend Emmet (Michael Welch) comes with them. Once at the party the jock puts his moves on Mandy but soon get hits with a super soaker handled by Emmet, for which he abruptly gets beat up. For whatever reason Emmet ends up on the roof of the house where the jock goes up to make amends (once again, not sure why as the guy is an ass) where Emmet convinces the drunk jock that he could really impress Mandy if he did a swan dive into the pool from the rooftop. Needless to say he is easily talked into the stunt, and splatters his brains all over the concrete by the pool. No loss there.
Jump ahead nine months and now a group of kids, Red, Chloe, Bird, Jake and Marlin are going the Red’s parents ranch for the weekend and they want Mandy to come… at least the boys do, and once again she accepts the invite despite the fact that she really shows no interest in hooking up with any of them. So now the story starts… I guess.
Once at the ranch the kids smoke pot, drink non-stop, throw some cocaine in the mix and even some huffing. When they aren’t getting wasted they ridicule each other and the boys take turns hitting on Mandy with no success. But now the fun starts. After Marlin gives Jake a head job in the barn, this is after Jake is insulted at the party when they claim he has the smallest dick of the group, she gets pissed off when Jake won't return the favor, Jake goes from hurt feelings to being cocky again and abandons Marlin the barn. Alone she is approached by someone with a shotgun, who shoves it into her mouth… our first victim. Who could possibly want to kill one of these outstanding teenagers…besides everyone watching this piece of crap!
(Starring Amber Heard, Anson Mount, Whitney Able, Melissa Price. Written by Jacob Forman. Directed by Jonathan Levine)
Before Amber Heard married and divorced Johnny Depp, before Machete Kills, Drive Angry, The Rum Diary or mega blockbuster Aquaman… there was ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE, which supposedly was the breakout role for the now big movie star.
First off I have to say I really had a hard time watching this. Ten minutes into the movie I wanted to shut it off… I wish I had gone with my initial instinct because this piece of crap never got any better.
Our movie starts off with the hot blonde Mandy Lane (Amber Heard) walking through the halls of high school with everyone giving her they eye. Once outside some dumb jock (forgot his name, he won’t be around long so who cares) asks her to his pool party, she agrees to go but insists that her friend Emmet (Michael Welch) comes with them. Once at the party the jock puts his moves on Mandy but soon get hits with a super soaker handled by Emmet, for which he abruptly gets beat up. For whatever reason Emmet ends up on the roof of the house where the jock goes up to make amends (once again, not sure why as the guy is an ass) where Emmet convinces the drunk jock that he could really impress Mandy if he did a swan dive into the pool from the rooftop. Needless to say he is easily talked into the stunt, and splatters his brains all over the concrete by the pool. No loss there.
Jump ahead nine months and now a group of kids, Red, Chloe, Bird, Jake and Marlin are going the Red’s parents ranch for the weekend and they want Mandy to come… at least the boys do, and once again she accepts the invite despite the fact that she really shows no interest in hooking up with any of them. So now the story starts… I guess.
Once at the ranch the kids smoke pot, drink non-stop, throw some cocaine in the mix and even some huffing. When they aren’t getting wasted they ridicule each other and the boys take turns hitting on Mandy with no success. But now the fun starts. After Marlin gives Jake a head job in the barn, this is after Jake is insulted at the party when they claim he has the smallest dick of the group, she gets pissed off when Jake won't return the favor, Jake goes from hurt feelings to being cocky again and abandons Marlin the barn. Alone she is approached by someone with a shotgun, who shoves it into her mouth… our first victim. Who could possibly want to kill one of these outstanding teenagers…besides everyone watching this piece of crap!
Amber Heard as Mandy, the only highlight in this cinematic turd.
The victims start piling up and the only other possible suspect is the ranch hand Garth, who threatens to call Red’s father periodically but never does and appears to only be in the movie as the female eye candy. But soon Garth steps up and tries to protect Mandy from this crazed killer… SPOILER ALERT, I’m going to tell you the ending because this movie is really stupid and it isn’t worth holding back. Emmet is the killer. He has followed Mandy to the ranch and is picking them off one by one, but the real twist is Mandy is in on it. Why? Who knows. But the plan was for Emmet to kill everyone and then he and Mandy are going to kill each other because they love each other (the true sign of real love, kill all your worthless friends and then each other... I think there should be a Valentine card with that theme), but Mandy throws a monkey wrench in the plan and kills Emmet, afterwhich she look like she saves the injured Garth and they drive away with Mandy being the hero.
This movie fails on so many levels, let me count the ways: 1) Zero character development. Every one of these kids are asses. All they do is continually do drugs, drink and shoot each other down with insults. Mandy comes off as the good one as she rarely says anything. You feel nothing as they each get killed, other than you wish it had happened sooner. 2) Slasher movies usually have some nudity, this movie has none. Mandy is super hot, but shows no skin. The other two girls are not ugly, but are really played out as whores in this movie, but show no skin despite the nonstop sexual insinuations. 3) No story whatsoever. Never have I been so disconnected from a story in my life. I imagine the script was ten pages long and they had to pad it out to make it run the 90 minutes. I assume this was supposed to be cool by all the drugs and drinking, demeaning wisecracks… they could use this movie as a “just say no” to drugs campaign displaying that drug users would turn into these kind of ass wipes if you use them!
This movie fails on so many levels, let me count the ways: 1) Zero character development. Every one of these kids are asses. All they do is continually do drugs, drink and shoot each other down with insults. Mandy comes off as the good one as she rarely says anything. You feel nothing as they each get killed, other than you wish it had happened sooner. 2) Slasher movies usually have some nudity, this movie has none. Mandy is super hot, but shows no skin. The other two girls are not ugly, but are really played out as whores in this movie, but show no skin despite the nonstop sexual insinuations. 3) No story whatsoever. Never have I been so disconnected from a story in my life. I imagine the script was ten pages long and they had to pad it out to make it run the 90 minutes. I assume this was supposed to be cool by all the drugs and drinking, demeaning wisecracks… they could use this movie as a “just say no” to drugs campaign displaying that drug users would turn into these kind of ass wipes if you use them!
Whitney Able and Melissa Price play drug induced sluts to make Mandy shine more.
You get the typical idiotic horror slasher movie scenes, like when Red decides to go for help and Chloe decides she will go with him… of course she doesn’t bother changing out of her nightie or even put on a pair of shoes, they just run into open to a car that was parked at the entranceway of the ranch. Just before the two get to the car they decide they are in love with each other and stop to kiss. Yes, usually when you are running for your life it’s always a good idea to stop to make-out. Needless to say this doesn’t end well as Red gets shot and Chloe is chased by the car they were going to get into before they decided to make-out. Even a Ford Fiesta in first gear could have caught this girl and ran her over, but no, this chase goes on forever until Chloe meets up with Mandy and the two hug in the open field. Why she isn’t worried about being ran over standing in the open with Mandy is beyond me, as if holding onto Mandy is some sort of protection, oh wait, this is the big opportunity for the movie twist where Mandy stabs Chloe to reveal her true colors.
Whitney Able is able to out run a car... yes, a car.
If you have gathered it yet, I hate this movie. Made in 2006 the company that bought the distribution rights went bankrupt and movie didn’t see the light of day until 2013. Although this movie is shot well and looks good, the idiotic storyline just kills anything it has going for it. I only give it one coffin and that is because Amber Heard is really hot and is the only thing that will keep anyone watching until the end.
