HOOKER WITH A HACKSAW
(Starring Kasper Meltedhair, Jason Crowe, Colleen Herkert. Written by Donald Farmer, Kasper Meltedhair. Directed by Donald Farmer)
Before I begin I have to say that I know writer and director Donald Farmer. Before the Internet, and fanzines were the rage, Donald had one of the best zines out there, The Splatter Times. This was before the video boom and somehow Donald tracked down really obscure horror movies and not only reviewed them but got interviews with the people that made them. His zine really inspired me to change Draculina more into a movie publication and then turn it from zine to magazine. Donald contributed to both the Draculina fanzine and the magazine, helped me find people for my own movies, even made movie deals for me. He has been at the helm of the B-movie business for many years, being one of the first to get his shot-on-video movies into the video stores. He went on to make bigger budgeted B-movies, action movies and much more, directing over 30 movies and has been involved with countless others. I say this because despite the respect I have for his accomplishments, out of 30+ movies, you aren’t going to like every one of them…
Our story starts with Kirsten (Kasper Meltedhair) walking down the street when she sees some guy sawing a piece of lumber with a hacksaw. She suddenly has a vision of herself sawing this guys’ head with the hacksaw… a premonition?
(Starring Kasper Meltedhair, Jason Crowe, Colleen Herkert. Written by Donald Farmer, Kasper Meltedhair. Directed by Donald Farmer)
Before I begin I have to say that I know writer and director Donald Farmer. Before the Internet, and fanzines were the rage, Donald had one of the best zines out there, The Splatter Times. This was before the video boom and somehow Donald tracked down really obscure horror movies and not only reviewed them but got interviews with the people that made them. His zine really inspired me to change Draculina more into a movie publication and then turn it from zine to magazine. Donald contributed to both the Draculina fanzine and the magazine, helped me find people for my own movies, even made movie deals for me. He has been at the helm of the B-movie business for many years, being one of the first to get his shot-on-video movies into the video stores. He went on to make bigger budgeted B-movies, action movies and much more, directing over 30 movies and has been involved with countless others. I say this because despite the respect I have for his accomplishments, out of 30+ movies, you aren’t going to like every one of them…
Our story starts with Kirsten (Kasper Meltedhair) walking down the street when she sees some guy sawing a piece of lumber with a hacksaw. She suddenly has a vision of herself sawing this guys’ head with the hacksaw… a premonition?
Kasper Meltedhair is the Hooker With a Hacksaw.
Kirsten is a phone sex girl, not a very good one, and she seems to be easily talked into things. When our first pervert calls up he says she “sounds like his mother” and then offers her pills if she will meet up with him. She reluctantly goes to his house to find that he has his mother’s skeleton in the bedroom where the pervert declares, “Mommy likes to eat pussy.” Kirsten straddles the skull and unenthusiastically grinds away on the noggin to get her bottle of pills. If that night wasn’t bad enough, the next day she gets a call from Raymond (Jason Crowe) who was told about Kirsten by the mom perv and Raymond offers up cash if she will come see him. She initially turns him down, but after being at a swap meet and really wanting an Alien model for $75, she ends up taking Raymond’s’ deal and meets up with him. Raymond knocks her out and when she awakens she finds herself tied to a chair where a guy in a pig mask and another in a bird mask have cameras on her as the pig man prepares to start cutting her up with a hacksaw. She breaks loose, steals the hacksaw and cuts off the pigs head and makes a run from this would-be snuff movie.
After this Kirsten is traumatized. Even after she befriends Ali (Colleen Herkert) she finds she has visions of the big bird headed guy anytime Ali gets close to her, and she runs off leaving Ali bewildered. Still with hacksaw in hand she hacks up a drug dealer, a girlfriend beater in the parking lot, and eventually runs into her biggest battle when she finds that Raymond has kidnapped Ali and tells Kirsten she better come to him now or Ali will die… thus ensues the final showdown.
Little details bother me. When the movie opens the guy is cutting a 2x6 piece of wood with hacksaw! If you were to give me a 2x6 piece of wood and tell me to cut it, hacksaw would not even be on the list of tools I would choose from. But I guess Hooker with Chopsaw doesn’t have the same ring to it and probably limits your murdering capabilities.
Kasper Meltedhair acting is as good as her ability to find a dynamic stage name… not very. She is cute but seems to carry a one-note dull performance throughout until she is splattered with blood, then she comes alive. Too alive. Any scene where she is sprayed with blood seems to bring her out of her shell and it is kind of creepy, so I have to give her kudos for those scenes. I actually see promise in her and I have read that she is going to appear in Farmer’s remakes of CANNIBAL HOOKERS and SAVAGE VENGEANCE, so I have my fingers crossed that things progress for her in the acting arena.
After this Kirsten is traumatized. Even after she befriends Ali (Colleen Herkert) she finds she has visions of the big bird headed guy anytime Ali gets close to her, and she runs off leaving Ali bewildered. Still with hacksaw in hand she hacks up a drug dealer, a girlfriend beater in the parking lot, and eventually runs into her biggest battle when she finds that Raymond has kidnapped Ali and tells Kirsten she better come to him now or Ali will die… thus ensues the final showdown.
Little details bother me. When the movie opens the guy is cutting a 2x6 piece of wood with hacksaw! If you were to give me a 2x6 piece of wood and tell me to cut it, hacksaw would not even be on the list of tools I would choose from. But I guess Hooker with Chopsaw doesn’t have the same ring to it and probably limits your murdering capabilities.
Kasper Meltedhair acting is as good as her ability to find a dynamic stage name… not very. She is cute but seems to carry a one-note dull performance throughout until she is splattered with blood, then she comes alive. Too alive. Any scene where she is sprayed with blood seems to bring her out of her shell and it is kind of creepy, so I have to give her kudos for those scenes. I actually see promise in her and I have read that she is going to appear in Farmer’s remakes of CANNIBAL HOOKERS and SAVAGE VENGEANCE, so I have my fingers crossed that things progress for her in the acting arena.
Kasper shines when she is covered with blood!
All the men in the movie pull off their pervert status without issue, is it great acting or just being themselves… not sure. I appreciated the stage name of the drug dealer who gets disemboweled, Ford Windstar… really. Did he and Kasper have a brainstorming session one night thinking up their stage monikers? It has inspired me to take the name Chevy Cavalier. And billing Linnea Quigley in the credits is disappointing as her big scene is one line on a TV set that someone is watching. Not sure if this was shot for this movie, pulled from another movie or ? Nonetheless, Quigley fans can stay home. (If you watch the trailer above you see Linnea in sex scenes, this was not in the movie I watched, she only appeared briefly with a closeup saying one line on a TV set. Was this movie edited for Amazon Prime? If so I would like to see the unedited version, may change my opinon.)
There is a lot of padding in the movie. Kirsten going through a swap meet, Kirsten going through the Halloween store trying on several masks, Kirsten doing a long slow dance wih Ali that leads to nothing. Plus the only scenes that feel set up and legit are the gore scenes, everything else just feels like someone is following Kirsten with their iphone hoping to catch something entertaining, which they rarely do. The whole movie looks grainy and feels like it was shot on the fly for little to no money.
Forget about nudity, unless you count the scene where Kirsten is at the drive-in (obviously parked on a street as you see a car drive by at one point) watching scenes from what I think is another Farmer movie, CHAINSAW CHEERLEADERS. I always thought nudity was a necessity in movies that lacked money or any other real redeeming factors. The budget was for hiring an attractive girl that was willing to strip down for scene… maybe I am from a different era. And then we have the slowest moving end credits I have ever seen! You could read a line, go grab a beer, read the second line, make a phone call, read the third line… at times I felt like they were going backwards. I saw a makeup credit for Maria Ortiz, unless someone else has the same name, she died (unfortunately) back in 2000. Maybe it is some sort of homage.
HOOKER WITH A HACKSAW is a movie you throw in at a party where no one really has to pay attention to what is said or needs to pay attention to the plot, just look for the opportunity to shout wisecracks at the screen, and prospects for that are in abundance. This movie may be worth a view but go in with low expectations and you might have some fun. But this movies’ big draw is really the name, which is awesome and I am sure what got it on Amazon Prime in the first place.
There is a lot of padding in the movie. Kirsten going through a swap meet, Kirsten going through the Halloween store trying on several masks, Kirsten doing a long slow dance wih Ali that leads to nothing. Plus the only scenes that feel set up and legit are the gore scenes, everything else just feels like someone is following Kirsten with their iphone hoping to catch something entertaining, which they rarely do. The whole movie looks grainy and feels like it was shot on the fly for little to no money.
Forget about nudity, unless you count the scene where Kirsten is at the drive-in (obviously parked on a street as you see a car drive by at one point) watching scenes from what I think is another Farmer movie, CHAINSAW CHEERLEADERS. I always thought nudity was a necessity in movies that lacked money or any other real redeeming factors. The budget was for hiring an attractive girl that was willing to strip down for scene… maybe I am from a different era. And then we have the slowest moving end credits I have ever seen! You could read a line, go grab a beer, read the second line, make a phone call, read the third line… at times I felt like they were going backwards. I saw a makeup credit for Maria Ortiz, unless someone else has the same name, she died (unfortunately) back in 2000. Maybe it is some sort of homage.
HOOKER WITH A HACKSAW is a movie you throw in at a party where no one really has to pay attention to what is said or needs to pay attention to the plot, just look for the opportunity to shout wisecracks at the screen, and prospects for that are in abundance. This movie may be worth a view but go in with low expectations and you might have some fun. But this movies’ big draw is really the name, which is awesome and I am sure what got it on Amazon Prime in the first place.
